Orange & Black Book Report CY2023
Department of Caramel, Nougat, and Fireballs
The following is the annual Orange and Black Book report for Candy Year 2023 (CY2023) ending October 31, 2023. The weather in the Middle Tennessee reporting region was cold (low 40s) with partly starry skies and a waning gibbous moon. As speculated last year, the rise in the Trunk-or-Treat phenomenon has all but put an end to Halloween trick-or-treating in this region. T-o-Ters were down to an all-time low, which forced local distribution centers into chasing down local teenagers and stuffing candy in their hands, as well as increased efforts in candy quality control testing.
The Middle Tennessee station reports 15 T-o-Ters with a median age of 9 +/- 2.1 years, with only a single entry-level T-o-Ter. This leading indicator casts pessimism on future years, with a low number of T-or-Ters to fill the vacancies caused by the aging young teen cohort.
T-o-Ters were met with an ample supply of over-priced (see economic indicators) “Fun Size” candy including Three Musketeers, Snickers, Skittles, and Starburst. Carnauba-wax products were again under-represented, with neither Haribo Gold Bears nor Gummy Worms being offered at any of the distribution centers. The Tennessee distribution center did experiment in the off season with chocolate refining as well as gummy-bear production. Both are deemed to be economically not feasible and of too high quality to be passed out, based on the lack of effort put in by the T-o-Ters.
The local area candy market was set up by some of the neighborhood, but this served to only confuse the T-o-Ters because not all neighbors participated in the market this year.
So few discernable costumes were displayed this year that it was below the scale for measurement. Exercise sweats and LED or glow stick lights are now the most imaginative costumes warn. This agent would have been delighted to have seen a single princess, power ranger, or graven image in the bunch, but sadly there were none.
By 7:45 CDT there were no signs of life.
The outlook for the longevity of this holiday is dim, at least as it was celebrated in the 1950’s through 1980’s. Most houses no longer distribute candy. The T-oTers do not walk the neighborhood but rather are driven, and the whole point of costumes seems to be lost. Our statisticians are beyond depressed at the turn it has taken.
Get off our Dept. CNF lawn.